Motherhood & Mondays

Having a depression disorder makes Mondays especially tough. I wake up just sad. I drag out of bed, sit on the potty, and dread the day to come. the life to come. I have been pursuing the feeling of being alive and hopeful for years. My heart says "be reasonable, give yourself some latitude, it's Monday after all". But my mind shatters with the real boundaries that contain my dreary thoughts. Never certain if I will be able to come up from my abyss is ever more terrifying. One foot in front of the other is the only way I get through.

I go to the Internet to search for ways to wake up happier. There are a few things that help, and I hope they continue to do so. First I thank God for letting me spend one more day with my son. I let the reality of that fact seep into my bones, warm my soul. Then I can move onto other methods of making it across the chasm that is Monday. I set a goal for the day, some place I need to go like the accountants, some thing I need to do like pick up a photo order, some thing I need to watch like the latest episode of Sleepy Hollow.

Where is the guide book for Life? One that would help me understand the work we are put here to do. And I know many will say that's the Bible. Yes, but, if you say that to me I know that you have never suffered from depression.

The kicker is, I like my daytime job. I feel worthy and like I make a contribution to the world. I think its a fulfillment issue, the idea that every day is suppose to be an adventure. Our whole child hood lives we have the misconception that adulthood is all fun and games and it's not. It's a lot of boring days with small peaks and valleys that add up to a lifetime. You would think that school, and how boring it is, would prepare us. It doesn't because we hold on to the dream that there will surely be more fun when we're older.

I just don't know how to appreciate a Monday morning yet. I will continue to try.